Decorative Pig (inedible) - Craiglist ad

Elementary school tests be like...

Dating a Nursing Student

Yep, that's what it's like. And she tried to palpate it too.

I wiped my butt with a potato chip

What follows is the story of a dream I had on February 9th, 2014.

"How did it come to this? I was in the bathroom and just had a rather cathartic poop, but it was now time to wipe. It wasn't that there was no toilet paper to be had, but for some reason I was determined not to use it. Instead, I used the next best thing: a potato chip. The potato chip had supportive ridges, granting it the structural integrity to resist the force of my pressing butt cheeks. I dug in with it and was barely able to scratch the surface of some unwilling poop.

I knew that my muscle memory and force of habit would be a dangerous combination and that if I wasn't careful, I may accidentally consume this soiled chip without thinking. I looked at the chip and pondered this for several moments. It was only by summoning all of my willpower that I was able to resist the illogical draw of muscle memory and throw away the once appetizing potato chip.

Thanks to the scooping ability of the chip, I was able to finish my business and exit the restroom.

Hail corporate."

Who's not smart enough?

Click to enlarge

This is the Christmas card my family got from our Democrat relative this year. Yes, he really did send us the password to his email account, make his joke not make any sense, invent a new word, and use a comma incorrectly. He's not really helping his case much.

Doge Avenger

As a college graduate, this is my most useful degree

(Originally posted to Facebook and /r/funny on July 3rd, 2013)
Photo taken in my parents' basement, where I live. No joke.

Messiah College Disc Golf Course Review

After 30 minutes of searching, we finally found the #2 hole.

The Messiah College Disc Golf Course is one of the best scavenger hunt courses I've ever been to. With 18 metal baskets and 18(ish) corresponding cement trapezoids scattered across the fairly large campus to find, this course offers hours and hours of fun for the whole family. Your search will take you to a variety of locations including, but not limited to, brush covered paths, wide open fields, and swampy woods.

Each basket and trapezoid comes marked with a number, which I suspect means that there is an intended order to this hunt. If you have the time, you can try to find each objective in numerical order, but let me warn you that this is a nigh impossible task. Although searching for objects in order brings an innovative and intriguing new twist to the scavenger hunting metagame, I did not feel that the vague hints offered by the arrows sporadically stapled to trees were sufficient to make this mode of play a viable option.

There also seems to be a secondary game on this course which involves throwing Frisbees from the cement trapezoids to each matching metal basket. If I were to recommend this course, I would suggest making it a two-day event. On the first day, do the scavenger hunt and take note of the location of each basket. On the second day, return with Frisbees to attempt the Disc Basketball course with the foreknowledge of each goal's location.

See if you can beat my score! I found baskets 1, 2 (with help, after 30 min.), 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18; and trapezoids 1, 2, and 15.

(Originally posted to Facebook on June 28th, 2013)

He's the man bakers look up to.

He's their roll model.

Reliable Couch and Lifelong Friend - $50

(Originally posted to Craigslist on October 4th, 2013. Featured on Huffington Post on October 9th, 2013.)

Original ad title: "Floral sofa - best couch your butt has ever felt"

This sofa comes highly recommended by myself. It's been with me through thick and thin and I typically spend twelve or more hours a day firmly planted upon it. Over the years, it has never let my butt reach the ground. And I've been nice to it too; it's in good condition, has its arm covers, and its beautiful, unstained, floral design will remind you of the great outdoors without the bees or pollen.

With dimensions of 86" wide x 37" deep x 32.5" high, it'll be sure to fit anywhere you want it.

Let me lay out the details for you.

Pros:
-Awesome floral design
-Arm covers
-Skirted, so you can hide all your crap underneath
-Comes with matching pillows
-Seats three normal sized humans, or two (also human) sumo wrestlers with a small cat
-Comes from a home of non-smokers
-Made by House of Edinboro

Cons:
-You won't want to get off of it
-It squeaks a bit with the joy of being sat on (not, like, a ton, but I don't want to waste your time if you can't handle that)

You might wonder why I would want to get rid of such a wonderful couch. I would wonder the same thing, but the reason is only known by my mother, whose thoughts cannot be fathomed by mere mortals.

I wanted to sell it for $5,000, but just for you and because my parents insisted, I'm posting it for the low low price of $50. It's essentially the best couch you'll ever find on craigslist for this cheap. You should probably buy it immediately so you don't miss out.

3 Reasons to Give Up On Ever Learning Japanese

You're not gonna believe me, especially after this article, but Japanese is actually not as hard to learn as everybody thinks it is. This makes it the ideal field of study for people who want to appear smart with minimal effort at the expense of never finding a related job. That said, there may be a few things about the language that are a teensy bit way more complicated than necessary.

Counting

Alright, so you've started learning a new language. Good job. One of the first things you'll want to do is learn how to count stuff. Fair enough, just memorize the words for the numbers and you're set, right? Whoa now, slow down there, sport! In Japanese, if you want to say how many of something there are - let's say the number of girls you've been turned down by, for example - you can't just say "307" or someone might reply in the condescending voice of your 2nd grade teacher and ask, "307 what, Ryan?" Of course, it should be obvious that you're talking about 307 girls, but you need to actually go out of your way to indicate that. It turns out that there are suffixes you need to add to the number according to what it is you're counting. For example, for people, add "nin", for flat objects, add "mai", and for glasses of drink (or octopi, for some reason), add "hai". Not only are there literally bazillions (I counted) of different counters to memorize, they sometimes change a bit when you add them or are entirely different for certain numbers. Basically, if you need to quantify something in Japanese, you're better off grunting and communicating with eyebrow gestures.

Being Polite (or not)

Ok, so maybe now you've gotten some more Japanese under your tightly fitting belt and you're thinking "Gee willikers, Japanese verb conjugation is actually way easier than it is in stuff like Spanish." Well you'd be right. In Japanese, you don't have to change the verb based on who the subject is and you can just use the same forms from present tense for future tense. It's stupidly simple. But don't worry, all you fans of mind-numbing memorization, Japanese still has plenty of conjugations for you to flood your mind with, they're just hidden where you'd never think to look: in polite conversations. I can tell you from experience that most Japanese people are annoyingly polite (or more clever and roundabout in their impoliteness). The language reflects that cultural focus on politeness by having whole new forms of verbs depending on whether you're talking to your boss, your sister, or your yakuza cohorts. Sometimes it's as easy as learning another verb ending, but many times you'll use an entirely different word that means the same thing, but which is more (or less) polite. So as an example, if you want to tell your boss to go rot in the depths of the underworld, you should be sure to use "irassharu" for "go" instead of "iku". You wouldn't want to be rude, after all.

Reading and Writing

I'm pretty sure the Japanese writing system is the entire reason that everyone thinks the language is impossible to learn. They see some scribbles, think "I can't understand that", and then give up and return to their coloring books. On the bright side, you don't have to worry about getting hooked on phonics to memorize all the rules and exceptions of pronunciation like you would if you were learning English as a second language. Japanese has hardly any sounds and they're all pronounced the same way every time. You can even write out words phonetically using Hiragana and Katakana. You can write them that way, but you wouldn't unless you're a kindergartner or an idiot. Instead you'll be using those two alphabets of 46 characters each in combination with the imported Chinese characters called kanji of which there are 6,000ish in modern use. But don't worry, even though learning each kanji is harder than memorizing the random configuration of a pile of dropped chopsticks while blindfolded, you really only need to know closer to 2,000 to get by in everyday situations.

But apart from those three things, Japanese is a piece of cake. Really. You'll be watching your Dragon Balls and playing imported video games by noon tomorrow.