(Originally posted to Craigslist on October 4th, 2013. Featured on Huffington Post on October 9th, 2013.)
Original ad title: "Floral sofa - best couch your butt has ever felt"
This sofa comes highly recommended by myself. It's been with me through thick and thin and I typically spend twelve or more hours a day firmly planted upon it. Over the years, it has never let my butt reach the ground. And I've been nice to it too; it's in good condition, has its arm covers, and its beautiful, unstained, floral design will remind you of the great outdoors without the bees or pollen.
With dimensions of 86" wide x 37" deep x 32.5" high, it'll be sure to fit anywhere you want it.
Let me lay out the details for you.
-Awesome floral design
-Skirted, so you can hide all your crap underneath
-Comes with matching pillows
-Seats three normal sized humans, or two (also human) sumo wrestlers with a small cat
-Comes from a home of non-smokers
-Made by House of Edinboro
-You won't want to get off of it
-It squeaks a bit with the joy of being sat on (not, like, a ton, but I don't want to waste your time if you can't handle that)
You might wonder why I would want to get rid of such a wonderful couch. I would wonder the same thing, but the reason is only known by my mother, whose thoughts cannot be fathomed by mere mortals.
I wanted to sell it for $5,000, but just for you and because my parents insisted, I'm posting it for the low low price of $50. It's essentially the best couch you'll ever find on craigslist for this cheap. You should probably buy it immediately so you don't miss out.